“No such thing as a free lunch.” Dylen learned that the hard way when he tried asking for a free lunch at the local restaurant. He was on a date and he thought he could take advantage of his suave charming ways and charm the waitress into giving him and his date a free lunch. It would impress Hilelia and raise his own charm in her eyes. Unfortunately it did not work out like that because:


NO SUCH THING AS A FREE LUNCH

The restaurant was called “No Free Lunches” which should have been a warning sign for Dylen but he did not read warning signs because he could not read.

“So you don’t have any money?” Hilelia asked with an incredulous tone that leaked out of her face in an incredulous way.

“No I thought we could get a freebie. Christ you woman,” answered Dylen in his own way. He was not doing very well. His collar was so hot and so was his entire god damn face.

“And the restaurant’s name didn’t tip you off?”

“WELL I DON’T KNOW!!!” SCREAMED DYLEN IN A HIGH-PITCHED HYENA HOWL. Nearby patrons glanced up from their meals that they would pay for and then went back to them. They did not want any part of this but they were part of it because they were nearby and therefore part of it. They would all have a story when they drove home in their cars, especially old Hatsworth who was just a table away from them.

Hatsworth was an irascible old man in his late 20s with a beard which he dyed white and gray for an interesting effect. The new style nowadays was to appear older than you were to game the system into giving you a free lunch. Waitresses loved irascible old men (ask any waitress) so if they could charm them with their suave charming ways maybe they could get a free lunch out of it. It had gotten so bad the restaurant’s managers had to change the establishment’s name from “Yoller’s” to "Yoller" to "Yalllllller" to "YYYYYYSSSSSSSSSS" and finally to NO FREE LUNCHES.

Hatsworth finished off his lunch of mashed eggs and left a twenty on the table. The bill came to $25 but he didn’t care. Twenty bucks is twenty bucks. He had to get home. He had quite a story to tell. However he lived alone and had no friends, so he had to tell it to himself.

“AND THEN,” he began in his best wizened storytelling tone as he pulled out of the restaurant’s driveway in his red Frosteringer, “it all happened.”

“What happened?” he asked, refusing to change his voice to simulate another character.

“He just refused to pay. Refused. Didn’t pay. Wouldn’t pay for the lunch. Just wouldn’t do it. Nope. Not paying. The paying didn’t happen. Would not pay for the thing he should have paid for. She was flabbelgassled out of her hittermitters.”

“That’s quite a story, Hatsworth,” Hatsworth answered Hatsworth.

“Thanks.” Hatsworth was bored so he switched lanes briefly to change it up. An oncoming car swerved out of the way.

—
“FUCK!” Broiller sprayed boiling hot coffee out of his mouth as a car - a Frosteringer of course - veered directly at him. The coffee went everywhere and so did his car. This was the third time this had happened in the last 20 minutes. He was expecting it by now but there was a learning curve. There was always a learning curve with these things and he was in it. Just right in it. He loved being “IN IT” but not in learning curves if he was being honest which he was because honesty gets you places.

The road curved and Broiller curved with it. He had narrowly missed the oncoming red Frosteringer. He hated those cars because they always tried to fucking kill him. Gotta get off the rough road, thought Broiller with a peculiar urgency. He pulled off into the ditch and continued driving into the thick gray-green underbrush. In another 30 feet he would reach the impassable impenetrable trees that lined the highway. He would be safe there. Safe is safe. He was big on safety. Why would he be driving on the road if he cared about his safety? He didn’t know. He was irrational sometimes but that ended today.

It was a nice day out but Broiller had no interest because he needed to get into this forest. His car was not working so he hollered out loud and then left it there. Just left it right there. It could wait. He vacated his vehicle with a curse and a louder curse and another more loud curse that reverberated in his skull and chest. He grabbed his rifle and entered the deep dark forest. He would never be seen again until tomorrow when he would be found by Nimmmminimminin, the nearby town’s local guy.

Nimmmminimminin’s father was the town’s local guy so everyone expected his son (Nimmmminimminin) him to inherit those responsibilities, which he did with glee and greater glee. His middle name was glee (uncapitalized) so it just made sense. One day in the bright morning afternoon sun Nimmmminimminin was walking through the forest going on his daily tour of the tour area. That’s when he had an idea. I could go do that he thought to himself and then repeated it out loud. “I could go do that.” So he did. That’s what he did. He just went out and did it. He thought of Jalla, his girlfriend that did not exist, and smiled sadly. Then he started crying happily. He was a fucking mess.