Customers who are pregnant can choose from a baby-on-board button or a please-offer-me-a-seat button. Customers who are not pregnant have many more options because they are not pregnant. Among their choices are:

a button
a bigger button
a button that works
a button that doesn’t work
another button
buttons with buttons on them
buttons with the word “button” written on the button

These buttons come in shades of blue and yellow, shaped like a circle but not a perfect circle. Perfect circles are not possible. Sufficiently motivated individuals can find the flaws in any supposed perfect circle and are therefore discouraged from being given buttons.

All customers are encouraged to press the button until they receive feedback. These buttons provide no feedback. The following protocols should be observed:

do not press the button
press the button until shocked by a small blast of electricity
do not press the button until instructed
follow the instructions on the pin pad
follow the instructions on the pin pad
follow the instructions on the pin pad
place the item in the bagging area
place the item in the bagging area
Select the number of bags
And take your receipt
Sir please step forward. Please scan the items one at a time. Stop. Please press the button for assistance. Attendant has been notified to assist you. Please present your receipt to the door attendant. Please stop. Get down on the ground. Hands where we can see them. Get your fucking hands away from your side you fucking piece of scum. What’s this? What’s in the bag? A little cocaine! Get this guy outta here. Get this fucking scum out of my site, lieutenant. GOOD WORK BOYS. ANOTHER ONE OFF THE STREETS.