Hey Dad

Thanks for the message. Nice to hear from you! Really happy to hear something might come together wth Marc. Good to know those old friendships run deep. That’s about all we can count on nowadays I suppose. I’ve had a pretty rough week to be honest. Yeah I think Caitlin and I are done. We’ve been fighting for a while, on and off. You get so settled in with a person and you just stop caring about them, take them for granted, treat them like a pet who doesn’t really have feelings. Right? I know that sounds shitty but that urge is always there. Dogs don’t care what you call them as long as they can eat. Respect just gets whittled away if you’re not working at it and suddenly you find yourself reacting to everything. Anyway with that in mind, I lost my temper, for the last time I guess. We argued about Danielle's housewarming party. I didn’t want to go. I hate Danielle. I called an Uber from downtown (I know) and I was tracking the driver and saw he would be coming down the wrong side of the street. So what did I do? Well I did what I THOUGHT was the sensible thing: I crossed the street. Caitlin didn’t come at first so I gestured kind of abruptly. I hate that about her to be honest, she just doesn’t adapt well. Fucking ROLL with it. It’s like she does it on purpose to show some passive-aggressive disapproval of a spontaneous decision. We were a little drunk (hence the Uber) and maybe I was more irritated than I needed to be. Anyway so we got on the right of the street and Caitlin starts yammering “HE’S NOT GOING TO KNOW WHERE WE ARE NOW. HE THINKS WE’RE OVER THERE.” I told her I was tracking him, and he would be here soon, and he would see us because we’re on the right side of the street now. How would he pick us up on the wrong side anyway? Does she even think anything through? Fucking hell. I tried to explain that but she’s unreasonable. Then we saw a car parked up on the other side of the intersection up the street, with its flashers on. “Is that a Corolla?” Caitlin asked. I said I dunno the app says he’s still a block away, I can handle it please okay? And no I don’t know cars all that well and I said “He’ll call me if he needs me.” Caitlin wouldn’t let it go and just kept rubbing it in, “That’s a Corolla, why don’t we go up to him? He’s in a bus lane.” Honestly I was just fucking tired of her loud grating judgmental shit (reminds me of Mom). So I finally turn to her, look her right in the eyes, mime zipping my lips, turning the invisible key, and toss it away, followed by me saying (and this is probably where I went too far), “Shut the fuck up? Can you let me do this? Can you let me just do this one thing by myself without you shrieking in my fucking ear and controlling every god damn decision?”

So you can imagine how well that went down, that is to say, pretty well in one respect, because she was dead silent for the entire Uber ride (that was him after all with the flashers on, but he called me not five seconds later and it was fine, IT WAS FINE). She didn’t say a word the whole time (15 mins), which I appreciated because I was fuming. I had to make small talk with the driver as if we were having a really fun night. Friday night! Heading to a party! You know the whole fucking charade. So we got there and she found Danielle and I dunno disappeared for 25 minutes, bitching about bitchy stuff like bitches do. My stomach was a black ball of sizzling anxiety and I blasted back a few drinks, hung out with Alex and Max even though I don’t know them all that well. At all, actually. I don’t even like them. Straight-edge religious goons.

We got home late. I apologized to Caitlin because I knew I had to and she said it was fine, don’t worry about it, we were both drunk… but she said it without any feeling which made it worse. Like she knew she had to say that to smooth over the unpleasantness because that’s what adults do I guess? The passive-aggressive dance? We went to bed in silence and I hate that. I hate going to sleep angry, it just makes the morning so heavy. As though something died and didn’t get a funeral. Plus whatever fucked up dreams I’m going to have are ready to terrorize my mind.

So long story short, this morning I woke up and she was gone. Found a note on the counter, just said “Coffee with Danielle. We need to talk later.” Double underline and everything. Fucking Danielle again. Rest of the morning was me pacing and explaining my feelings to the wall in a sort of frantic rehearsal. She never came back. She’s not answering my texts and I have no idea where she went. It’s like I’m in freefall now and I’m pretty sure I packed a parachute but did I really? I think it’s over. Not sure what to do so I’m just watching Castella reruns. I don’t really mind though. Deep down I’m hoping it’s over. I’m sick of this stagnant joyless life where we’re only bodies to each other. I don’t have the courage to break it off. I don’t care. Maybe it’s all the weed but I just don’t want to look at any of this shit too deeply. Fuck it. Nevermind.