Dave was always a rather shadowy figure at parties, hovering in the corners and hunched like an aged bridge troll that came out only to groan. Tonight’s Oscar party was no exception. In fact, the previous sentence was unnecessary, so it will be edited out of the final version.

“Don’t mind him,” Kathy, in high spirits, said to the wall, which had morphed into an adjacent wall and fooled everyone by doing so. Except for Dave, who had not taken his eye off of it. You gotta watch the walls. Ask Dave about that, he’ll tell you all about it.

Kathy wandered away, preoccupied by the activity on the television, the old rickety box that was broadcasting the opening Oscar ceremony now. It was Oscar Night! The most glamorous event of the year! She accidentally locked eyes with Michael and quickly looked away, an event she would later cry over in the shower. RUINED!!! she thought. This party was RUINED!!! She’d been doing that a lot, crying in the shower that is, when she took showers, which was not often, if ever. It was fun though. A LOT of fun if we’re being honest here. She looked forward to Michael’s parties for this reason.

“Who’s winning?” she cried in a controlled tone that suggested both rage and honor, still thinking fondly of the shower she had yet to take. Several other guests flinched and then had to forcibly remind themselves that Kathy did not exist. This party was strange. Right? Am I wrong here? Is this not the weirdest party you’ve ever been to? People looked around. A bunch of heads oscillated from left to right in crisp military fashion. Nobody here had been in the military but they had seen movies. Who had organized this party?

“I don’t know,” grumbled Hufememacece, “but it’s starting to give me the grumblies.”

“Yeah,” said Xhennnnnhx, shaking his head, his own grumblies surfacing for a moment and embarrassing everyone around him. You could tell. You could always tell.

“It’s okay, man, we’re here for you,” argued a fellow party-goer who lacked a name.

Xhwnemxxx thanked him. “Thank you,” thanked Xhxxxmed, “but can we get back to the Oscars please?”

He acquiesced in a fashion not unlike the ancient sorcerers of Yore: “Sure man.”

Everyone hushed. The lights went down. Shhh, the party has begun.